Avenging the savage attack to our nation on December 7, 1941, the Columbus, GA little leaguers defeated the evil kamakaze 12 year olds of Kawaguchi City, Japan to take home the Little League World Series. The sake's on me, little fellas.
"FUCK YOU DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Because, you know, NO ONE has blogged about this in the past 6 months.
However, I will be attending this weekend, dressed as Ordell Robbie with a turban made of pythons.
Move over, Jack.....
...there's a new Sheriff in town!!
That is it.
I have lost faith in music.
Last evening I had the misfortune of watching Rock Star Supernova. In a nutshell, it's American Idol for psuedo rockers. A live band plays while aspiring "rockers" and "punks" wail out their best version of some watered down turd-rock in front of four judges who will choose the lucky winner to be the lead singer of their new band, Supernova.
You may be wondering who are the the judges that will make up this "super group?" None other than four gentleman who have made their living playing in successful bands and... well... no longer play in those bands. They are none other than Dave Navarro (Jane's Addiction was good, you played guitar on the Chili Pepper's weakest album, you were married to Carmen Electra and probably have eternal chlamydia becasue of it), Gilby Clark (uh, that dude in Guns N' Roses no one really knew or cared about), Tommy Lee (good drummer, large wang, can't get enough of himself on TV, wrote a "rap" album about "Gettin' Naked), and Jason Newstead(yeah, Metallica was getting lame, but dude, ECHO BRAIN???? And now this???? This move makes Lars look musically competant!!)
ANYWAY, what pisses me off the most about this program are the contestants, without question. The beginning of the season started with about 20 vocalists vying to front a rock band. However, they all seem to know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT ROCK MUSIC! They just dress like what their percieved notion of what it is to be in a rock band because 1) they think it looks cool and 2) Dadddy refuses to pay for lacrosse camp so this is his/her "FUCK YOU! I'll do what I want " to him. Contrived rock music and phony rock musicians makes me pray for my face to melt like the Nazi sympathizer at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Just admit you like the Venga Boys and drum and bass and we will all be happier becuase of it. Okay?
For example, let's take a look at our friend Lukas, shall we....
If Kevin Federline and any member of Good Charlotte got together and fucked, this is what their kid would look like. "Oooooo, but this dude is punk because he has eye liner and Whacky Crazy hair." NO!!! He fucking isn't!!! Frosting your hair, wearing makeup, listening to SR-71 and living at home with your mom IS NEVER PUNK ROCK!!
I just wish G.G. Allin were alive to beat the living piss out of these "punkers." However, if this is what constitutes "punk rock" in today's world, O.D.ing on heroine in a pool of your own feces doesn't sound like that bad of an idea.
"PLAY FROM YOUR FUCKING HEART!!!!!!!" -Bill Hicks
Please play sports again.
Thank You.
Via the website of the female conservative group, Claire Boothe Luce Policy Institute :
"Our programs, resources, and role models provide a strong voice for modern American women who want fair treatment and equal opportunities, but are offended by the radical, liberal agenda they encounter in our nation's high schools, colleges, and popular culture. "
Seriously, DAMN YOU RADICAL LIBERAL AGENDA!!! I mean, because of all you crazy liberals and your whacky agendas, we are stuck with polices like Women's Suffrage and Title IX. Seriously female liberals, what good have you done for the Amercian Woman?
This Sunday, August 6th, 1-6 pm, 40+ of NYC comedians, it's a COMEDY BONANZA!!!! At the Nauberg Bandshell.
Click the picture to link to the details.
DRIVEN-"Reflecting the unique personality of one of the most driven men in America, Driven is a blended aroma of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice."
Seriously, I want to fucking puke, on SOOOOO many levels. I hate cologne, I hate the Yankees, and LORD knows I hate to be driven. Uggg….
Man, this has to be a P.R. team’s wet dream. Derek Jeter…Yankees…COLOGNE. I can only imagine what kind of Long Island basement dweller would actually 1)purchase this cow piss and 2)apply this in hopes to increase his odds of picking up a sweet “Gina” at the Minneola Town Social.
What the public doesn’t know it that this isn’t the Yankees Organization and Avon Products first attempt at marketing a Bombers scent. Well, here’s your chance to catch the ones that didn’t quite make it to the shelves of your local Rite Aide.
MEAT – Jason Giambi
Meat provides it wearers with a robust scent that resembles a pungent mixture of pork grease, Crisco, and a bag of unwashed socks. Lather it on, and your ready for mediocre fielding and night on the town yelling obscenities at elderly women.
HERSHEY STURTZE- Tanyon Sturtze
That’s right folks, apply this toilet water to your neckline and/or torso and you can strut your stuff with a look of perpetual paranoia and constipation
RELAX – Don Zimmer
Why go out for a jog and lose some of the excess baggage when all you want to do is RELAX. This hot one brings you the finest bouquet of gastric indigestion, meatballs, George Steinbrenner’s crotch, and pastrami. Go ahead……RELAX
COVER UP – Mickey Mantle
Because you never know when you need to COVER UP the aroma of booze, vomit, and Bridge 'N Tunnel vagina from the night before.
...turn to professional wrestling for political inspiration.
Take heed Israel, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Oman, Egypt and Syria, for you have been WARNED!!
